What I need

I need to get thicker skin. It's like everything that anyone ever says just sticks to me and I think about it for days and days. Not to get into too much detail, but I am so sensitive about what I do and if someone critizes that or is unhappy with the job that I do I really get hurt. And with teaching, often the measure of success is a matter of opinion. Is success having students remember everything you taught them or having them remember you as a good person? Right now I don't know - honestly this has been one of my hardest years because I am letting others define my success, but really I am having trouble trying to define it myself.

It is finished

Yes. I ran my 1/2 marathon this morning. It was one of the hardest things I've done physically for a long time. The first few miles were ok, but it was so hard after mile 10. I acuatually started crying around mile 11 but I would not let myself stop. Honestly, what really got me going for the last two miles was a highschool drumline! But I am just so glad to be done. I have no idea what's next. I don't think I want to train for a marathon. I think I've proven myself - I never thought I could do a
5K let alone 13 miles, so I'm done. I'll probably keep running here and there, but I have nothing left to prove. So it's on to my next conquest, whatever that is. I'll keep you posted :)

On choosing books

I like to find good books. I rarely read a book because it is the best seller or someone on a talk show branded it. I like to read books that are recommended by very close friends or books that I find. I love going to the library and spending hours just thumbing through the shelves. It's the thrill of the hunt. Sometimes I am pleasantly suprised (Baby Proof - Emily Giffen) and sometimes I am dissapointed (Academy X - Andrew Trees) but I like the idea that I am about to stumle upon my new favorite book. With that said, last night I went to B&N with a giftcard and I didn't know what do to. I don't like to own sub-par books. (Graceland - Chris Abani...sorry) So do you buy a book you've already read or take a chance on a book you may want to throw against the wall? (Prep - Curtis Sittenfeld ugh...why Lee Fiora why? ) After an hour of deliberation, I picked out The Kite Runner. It should be good - it was good enough to make into a movie right? I'll keep you posted. So all this say, I have probably not read the latest best seller. I have read a few books that you've probaby never heard of that would never make a bestseller list. ( SoulCity - Toure or The Untelling - Tayari Jones) and I'm ok with that. I'll get to those books but for now I am enjoying the thrill of the hunt.

sometimes...

sometimes I really don't like my hair. Like today for instance...I was washing it and proceeded to twist it and at the time it just felt like the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. You have to be in the right frame of mind to really do your hair. I was thinking of some upsetting things.I knew this all along but I really realized that one the way to your own dreams you really can't depend on any else. Without trying to put anyone on blast I basically feel I waited for this person to do X so I could do Y when I just should have gone ahead and did my thing in the begginning. When we wait for others or cater to others to fulfill something that we want for ourselve, there is a 50/50 chance things will not work out n our favor. And that also goes back to my need to micro and macro plan everything in my life. This event or event that should have taken place was not in "my plan" so it seems to throw everything off for me. So here it is: I am not going to wait or depend on others to chase and fufill my own goals. And what they want to do is thier business.

the end of an era

I sit here hours away from coaching my last volleyball games I there are a bunch of things running through my head. I didn't think I would be feeling like this. I thought I was going to be a lot happier to say goodbye to the game but I am not. Volleyball has been there for me since the 4th grade - besides family I can't tell ou of a relationship I've had that I've been so intimately close with someone or something for that long. I' ve loved it andh ated it but through it all it has been my love. To walk away now is the perfect timing. Three great seasons. But it's hard. I may find time to play once and awhile but its like leaving a relatonship. And things have not been easy this year. I have felt myself growing away form it. There are now new loves on the horizon that just cannot compete - my marriage, my writing and my running. So volleyball, I love you so much and once and I while I will come back and visit. We can still be "friends" But I think its over. I will always cherish the times we had. And please don't worry. It's not you. It's me.

a spark or a fire?

What a breath of fresh air! The writing group was so good! We did a 15 minute write with the following sentence starter: "A man walks into a bar and realizes it is not a bar..." I think I did my best writing tonight and I actually shared! I was so nervous. It could have been so easy for me to just sit back, but I just knew as I was writing it that I had to share. I just felt fire coming through my pen as I was writing. It was not polished or close to being so, but it just felt so good and so right. I knew I was in a good place when I revealed that I was an 8th grade English teacher and the following sound was one of awe and admiration and not bewilderment and sympathy. I am also thinking about doing this program where you commit to writing a novel in a month. It's really crazy and you have to produce 50,000 words in 30 days but I think its going to be one of the greatest, most taxing things I've ever done in writing. I am so inspired and this group may be the best thing to happen to my writing in a long time.

When the going gets tough

I am trying to be positive, when so many things around give me a reason to do otherwise. We lost our last two games. I feel like I am not a good coach and a leader. I am feeling so unsure of myself and my coaching ablilities. I am trying not to take things so personally, but it is hard. I am also trying not to make excuses for why I am the way I am. I like coaching, but times like these make it difficult. It is so easy to like coaching when we are winning but when we are not, I struggle. And I think a big part of that has to do with pride. I don't think I am going to coach next year and not because of the last couple days. I just feel like my coaching abilities have plateaued (sp?) and there are so many things I need to learn about coaching. And the honest truth is, I don't have the deep desire to go out there and learn. For example, a parent came up to me and said there is a big high school volleyball game of two teams in the area that is going on tomorrow night. And frankly, that does not interest me. I would rather be at home with my husband, reading, writing or anything else. I do love volleyball, but I think it is starting to take a backseat to other things and I am ok with that. But the fact of the matter is, I need to remind myself daily who I am. I am not a teacher, or a coach or a wife. I am not a writer or a runner- but I do these things. I am a child of God and I will never be happy or feel comfortable until I can define myself by those terms and nothing else.