sometimes...

sometimes I really don't like my hair. Like today for instance...I was washing it and proceeded to twist it and at the time it just felt like the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. You have to be in the right frame of mind to really do your hair. I was thinking of some upsetting things.I knew this all along but I really realized that one the way to your own dreams you really can't depend on any else. Without trying to put anyone on blast I basically feel I waited for this person to do X so I could do Y when I just should have gone ahead and did my thing in the begginning. When we wait for others or cater to others to fulfill something that we want for ourselve, there is a 50/50 chance things will not work out n our favor. And that also goes back to my need to micro and macro plan everything in my life. This event or event that should have taken place was not in "my plan" so it seems to throw everything off for me. So here it is: I am not going to wait or depend on others to chase and fufill my own goals. And what they want to do is thier business.

the end of an era

I sit here hours away from coaching my last volleyball games I there are a bunch of things running through my head. I didn't think I would be feeling like this. I thought I was going to be a lot happier to say goodbye to the game but I am not. Volleyball has been there for me since the 4th grade - besides family I can't tell ou of a relationship I've had that I've been so intimately close with someone or something for that long. I' ve loved it andh ated it but through it all it has been my love. To walk away now is the perfect timing. Three great seasons. But it's hard. I may find time to play once and awhile but its like leaving a relatonship. And things have not been easy this year. I have felt myself growing away form it. There are now new loves on the horizon that just cannot compete - my marriage, my writing and my running. So volleyball, I love you so much and once and I while I will come back and visit. We can still be "friends" But I think its over. I will always cherish the times we had. And please don't worry. It's not you. It's me.

a spark or a fire?

What a breath of fresh air! The writing group was so good! We did a 15 minute write with the following sentence starter: "A man walks into a bar and realizes it is not a bar..." I think I did my best writing tonight and I actually shared! I was so nervous. It could have been so easy for me to just sit back, but I just knew as I was writing it that I had to share. I just felt fire coming through my pen as I was writing. It was not polished or close to being so, but it just felt so good and so right. I knew I was in a good place when I revealed that I was an 8th grade English teacher and the following sound was one of awe and admiration and not bewilderment and sympathy. I am also thinking about doing this program where you commit to writing a novel in a month. It's really crazy and you have to produce 50,000 words in 30 days but I think its going to be one of the greatest, most taxing things I've ever done in writing. I am so inspired and this group may be the best thing to happen to my writing in a long time.

When the going gets tough

I am trying to be positive, when so many things around give me a reason to do otherwise. We lost our last two games. I feel like I am not a good coach and a leader. I am feeling so unsure of myself and my coaching ablilities. I am trying not to take things so personally, but it is hard. I am also trying not to make excuses for why I am the way I am. I like coaching, but times like these make it difficult. It is so easy to like coaching when we are winning but when we are not, I struggle. And I think a big part of that has to do with pride. I don't think I am going to coach next year and not because of the last couple days. I just feel like my coaching abilities have plateaued (sp?) and there are so many things I need to learn about coaching. And the honest truth is, I don't have the deep desire to go out there and learn. For example, a parent came up to me and said there is a big high school volleyball game of two teams in the area that is going on tomorrow night. And frankly, that does not interest me. I would rather be at home with my husband, reading, writing or anything else. I do love volleyball, but I think it is starting to take a backseat to other things and I am ok with that. But the fact of the matter is, I need to remind myself daily who I am. I am not a teacher, or a coach or a wife. I am not a writer or a runner- but I do these things. I am a child of God and I will never be happy or feel comfortable until I can define myself by those terms and nothing else.

Running & Writing

I learned a lot about the two things I am trying to be successful at. First, neither one can be done in isolation. I got my butt kicked on Saturday. I tried to run ten miles with a friend and her runnng group. It was ugly. I kept up for maybe the first ten minutes. I felt slow, clunky and awkward. The thing is, when I run by myself I had no idea who far off I am. I finished the run but it did not feel like a victory. It was the eqivalent of winning a war and losing all your men. Lesson learned. I can't train to be a runner in isolation. The fact is, I'm going to get out there for the race and its going to be a mess. It's the same thing with my writing. I can't write in isolation. I need to get out there and share and practice or its going to be really bad. I had a good write at B&N's this evening. I read what I wrote a few weeks ago and it seemed so rudimentary. I love that both of these skills are a process and they are both teaching me so much about life - the process is just as important as the product.

its getting personal

So I have decided to go ahead with my plan to apply for the English program at University B. It looks soo over my head, but it excites me. The program I applied for at University A just did not get me going. So my first step is do develop a 20-25 page writing sample. I'm planning on submitting an excerpt from my book but it needs a lot of work. Enter a writing group. The first meeting is on Thursday. How scary is that? But this is a HUGE step for me. Being able to potentially share my work is letting me know that I am already growing as a writer. It's so hard because I hate getting so personal and intimate knowing there could be possible rejection. It's like getting naked in front of a group of strangers. There are bound to be things about your body that people don't like. And that's how personal my writing is - because it is a direct extension of me. I cannot divorce myself from my writing the way that I cannot divorce myself from my body. My writing is me. And so I am looking forward to getting person on Wednesday night, hoping that someone or maybe a few people like what they see.

notes on a semi-scandal

Yesterday I logged onto my facebook account and one of my non-black friends had posted that she "is not going out with no broke n*gga." Okay, first off I was like maybe she heard it in a song somewhere and I just let it go. But the more I thought about it the more it started to bother me. I hate that word - I don't care who uses it. It just represents all things negative. There is so much history associated with that word, that I just don't like people slinging it around. So then I was going to get into my activist role and write her a friendly email about how that word might offend some people. I've done it before. I had anther non black friend on msn whose screen name was "if [it's] white it's all right, if its black take it back". I was like ummmm, that could be really offensive and he took it down and I was so proud of myself. Another racist comment foiled! ha! But back to yesterday, so I was going to say something but I started thinking about that word, and if the person who posted the comment was black, I probably would not have said anything. Ok, I would not have said anything. Its a sad double standard. But its letting your siblings call you a name - but let someone else...and its ON! It's not right but that's the way it is. Some things will never change.

9 miles or bust!

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to run 9 miles. This after eating three slices of pizza tonight! I need to get focused and get back to better eating habits. I feel so fat lately. I just don't have any energy when I get home from work and I cannot bring myself to get up earlier that my 6o'clock crack of dawn wake up call. I am counting down the days until I can be freed from my coaching duties. Then I feel like I am able to devote more time to working out. Until then,me, along with the elastic band on my underwear are hanging on by a thread. A very thin thread.

the begginning of the end?

Okay, so I am officially a blogger. I never thought it would happen to me. I always felt like blogging was so self-indulgent. Like who really wants to read my thoughts and feelings? It's a scary thought but alas, I am here. You won't get any of the really good stuff - that I have to save for my real journal....but here I am. This is probably a pretty good time to start writing becuase I feel like I am in the midst of a mid-mid life crises. I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I was supposed to go back to school in January in Education, but it just doesn't seem exciting. It's too safe, and I don't want to live the rest of my life "safe". That's why I moved 3,000 miles away from home when I was 19. Ha! So I've decided to maybe persue an MA in creative writing.

Step 1 - stop being scared
Step 2 - start writing, like for real!
Step 3 - stop being scared

So this is my first step to get comfortable with my own writing and in my own skin. I've always wanted to write my own book but I've just been too scared because I am terrifed of rejection. But I have to start somewhere...and so I begin...